no to alcohol? no to mitt romney.

mitt romney says no to alcohol in the same way that i say no to mitt romney. this isn't a question of religion, its a matter of trust, experience, creating jobs, and creativity, all of which are points explored below. god bless america!

we can't trust mitt romney. he has never explored himself through the lens of a who-am-i hangover. how can we trust a man who can't trust others to hold his life in their memories, and not his? the truth is that we can't trust this man, because he can't trust himself to have so much beer ask him questions, and let us answer them for him at brunch. as we all know, beer is not to be feared, it is to be trusted to knock lose the brain echo bullshit rattling around at the start of the weekend's warm up period (usually post humpday). mitt still has all of his adolescent, college, and young adult memories vying for his present consciousness, which explains the erratic and inconsistent nature of his policies. one day he is that naive 23 year old french speaking idealist promoting socialist healthcare in massachusets as governor nine years ago, the next he is is the middle aged angry white father telling his constituents-cum-children all about tough love tax rates to enshrine monopolist privilege. with out weekend warrior alcohol consumption, how can anyone maintain consistency? mitt certainly can't be trusted to.

mitt romney has no experience. he has no hangover cures to share, except the ones taught in prep school heath class: coffee, cold showers, exercise, and those don't fucking work. he's never experienced rebirth through a piece of toast covered with melted cheese, because he's never consumed 4 beers (5% alcohol by volume minimum) an hour for a seven hour period, and then gone to a diner. a life lived (can it still be said?) without beer bongs, keg stands, nor endurance drinking (power hour, kings, etc), his physical stamina remains an open question. there's no better way to prove the strength of both your resolve, your esophagus, and lungs than a 2 story beer bong. there's no better way to challenge your entire intestinal tract than a decade's worth of weekend's worth of six packs, which is equivalent to the stress caused by making decisions as president. and keg stands are great for building the muscles needed for back slapping, something at which any effective chief executive must strive to excel. in short, he'll have nothing to talk about that won't sound like gloating, so we don't need to give him the throne for four years. he can't pass the test, and we don't want him to.

mitt romney doesn't create jobs. alcohol drinkers, on the other hand, create jobs for all with an egalitarian flair: bartenders, clerks, beverage distributors, ice vendors, street cleaners, oncologists, oil companies, night shift emergency room workers, grain farmers, brunch wait staff, taxmen, and let us not forget our nation's finest men and women in uniform: municipal police. alcohol is the their cash crop, their killer app, their racket, the veritable clitoris for their power trip for a variety of fees, fines, levies and charges pressed against people charged with not thinking clearly after they have been legally permitted to decrease the clarity of their thinking (its ok to do it, as long as you don't do it anywhere). these committed citizens want to live in, and understand, society, so they must nobly pursue the use of alcohol to lessen the hate, confusion and disgust with the injustice of the idiots appointed to be our bosses, the new jim crow stacking up brothers in penitentiaries, as well as the litany of issues related to modern smartphone/social network use. romney defiantly abstains from supporting america's finest, and in the process damns the rest of us to a sober muddle of informational browbeating inanity.

mitt romney isn't creative. he's proven over his lifetime that he doesn't have the wherewithal to elevate systematically poisoning oneself to an art form. while he can make the best of meagre resources, as shown by his slicked back hair, he's surely never smell checked his clothes after waking up at six pm, then thrown together a steady-compliment-garnering outfit that lasted till sunrise the next morning, because he's never imagined that it was possible. he's never used three bottles of expired salad dressing to invent five new cocktails in a single night, or spontaneously engineered an osha proof way to remove thousands of hair-sized shards of glass from 6 liters of red wine in under 5 minutes, just in time for the NYE ball drop. perhaps his most obvious failure of imagination is evidenced by his continuing campaign, which will clearly fail. if he was truly a thinking man he would see that losing this election would feel a lot like something he has spent his entire life avoiding: a hangover.

for the sake of ourselves, for the sake of our country, and for the sake of mitt romney, he must lose this election. we can't trust a man who never says never again, who has never experienced the spins, done the cobra, nor woken up in a field with a crave case of white castle sliders handcuffed to his left wrist. losing is the only way he can help create the jobs america needs to create the leisure time needed to produce more drinking to produce more jobs. its the only way to bring mitt to our world of alcohol, to show that he has the vision to believe and relate to the rest of us. we must help him lose.